R.I.Pee

"I drive all night, just to get back home."

I had to quote that. The thing is, I've been having identity issues lateley. I guess its been some.. hmm..let me see.. Twenty one years? yeah Thats about it.

When I was a kid, when I could be your average right handed batsman and also manage to be the left hand pinch hitter, people called me an indecisive prick. My ambiguity was misinterpreted. I felt bad. Thought it was a phase. Sooner or later, I'd get over it.

Back into the present, I am just a guy building up a new virtual identity, because the last one I owned was burnt alive. The ashes still remain. Phoenix, they say is a mythical creature. But I wish it were for real. My MP3 player is called Fawkes.

That reminds me of yet another sad ass identity crippling encounter. But what the heck? I was always the one they despised.When I say 'they', do you even care to ponder who it might be? I certainly don't indicate the Gods. Definitely not the Nazis. Not even remotely, the Americans. Nope, neither are 'they' my childhood best friends. 'They' refer to.. come on.. take a guess.. yes, yes.. you are almost there.. yes.. Awwwwe.. You thought they were my college buddies? Noooo...'They' are my you-know-who. Yeah now you got it right. They cannot survive without despising me. They feed on the flesh of my brains. They throw up into my skull after scraping its surface with muti razored blades. I heard them repeatedly say, that they love my hypothalmus.

For them, my existence is the reason they had to take some steps back. For them, I'm just a passing cloud. For them, I'm the biggest mistake. For them, I'm just the rebound to the rebound. For them, I'm the most gothic, underdog zombie fit for the role of one of the extras in the "Life is beautiful" movie. Or maybe, "Scary movie", or "Epic movie".

Time is weary. I can only see blurred images of what good life used to be. I cannot peek into the future. Atleast not without the crystal ball. Blood seems to be the dearest thing to me. At this point in my life, when I am just days away from the complete annihilation of the self, I stare deeply into darkness. Trying to search for the key. The key to the graveyard. I have to let it reach the hands of those who are looking at the annihilation as eagerly as I am. I have to find the key.

I'm not home. I am away from civilization. If Robert Frost were alive, he wouldn't be able to describe the amazing view of these scattered city lights that fade away into a brilliant star lit sky(Keeping in my mind his obssession for the woods and the loo). A prussian blue backdrop. Just about the right amount of light on one corner. Life seems weary too now. Emancipate me, oh stupid silent stink emerging from the gutter. Give me the rope. Pull me up this mire. Pull me into heaven or put me through hell. Life is such a bad guy. It never showed me the directions to live. Why we even have directions on plastic boxes and how to open them. If only this life were just a dream..Damn.. If only, I would wake up tomorrow morning amidst a different dimension. But if that's the case, if this aint reality, then my parents definitely overpaid for my sofa set in the living room.

I think I should get going now. Home is far away.

"I drive all night, just to get back home."
- Anthony Blood